"In the early days of Earth Touch the crew was based out of Okavango Horse Safaris. I was there recently and Sarah Humble passed on a document she wrote at the time, it makes for some interesting reading…
As you know, Earth-Touch film crews have been operating out of the Okavango Horse Safaris basecamp for quite some time now. These boys try to convince us and the rest of the world no doubt, that they are epitomies of ruggedness and posessors of unbounded bush savvy.
They are in fact just snivelling wimps who are continually whining about the weather and getting themselves stuck. Through our experience we have found that the current best ‘tanning’ spot is the top of the filming vehicle – stuck or not, however their whining reaches fever pitch on any form of movement or noise.
What does “rolling” mean anyway?
Here is our film truck recovery technique:
Recipe for Swamp Rescue of Grubby Film Crews
Ingredients:
1 Tractor
1 Tractor Driver (Preferably new)
1 Chain (Shorter the better – no pun, Graham)
6 Warm, flat beers
2 Marlboro Lights, damp and or broken (Tend to provide best results)
For camp managers: Sense of Humour
For film crew: No Sense of Humour
Cooking Time:
The longer the better. This dish is best served well done, cold and wet.
Method:
1. Always ensure that camp radio volume is turned to low, this reduces the chance of communication with camp and extends the ‘stuck’ period, hopefully encouraging practice on removing stuck vehicle from swamp.
2. Do not forget to add a touch of water to the diesel supply on rescue tractor, this will help prolong the rescue mission, therefore encouraging better terrain awareness on future filming missions.
3. Remember never to tell the tractor driver the exact location of the film crew, thus minimising disturbance while stuck.
4. It is essential to make sure that the towing chain is very short, therefore its only practical use is self-punshisment.
5. Prior planning is required to ensure that the beer has had ample opportunity to become flat and warm before use. If this has not been the case, open all cans slightly and transport sideways.
6. Cigarettes must always be sent damp and preferably broken. This can be done at the last moment before the tractor leaves camp.
7. Feed the pre-prepared hot meal to the camp genet, this normally extracts best response if you have prepared the boys favourite food. Eat all biltong prior to their return, and their stash if you can locate it.
8. Remove all gas bottles from geysers thus ensuring cold showers on return to camp.
9. Never curse or swear. It’s not their fault that girls make better bush drivers.
- Repeat as often as required but be imaginative on points 3, 5 and 6.
- Sit back and enjoy the resulting reaction.
To sum up, in order to provide the best care for these busy boys while they are filming it is essential to always be polite but unhelpful and smile and wave on departure from or arrival back to camp.
Note:
If steps 1-6 have taken more than 10 hours, it is prudent to be missing on their return to camp, do not reappear for at least 48 hours.
We hope that this has provided you with an insight into the best ways to care for these rare and uncouth creatures.
Lots of Love
The Blonde Okavango Horse Safaris aka White Noise
Thanks Sarah.
