Todays is my fathers birthday. It’s his one from. That’s what he and I called them, birthdays, “one froms”. For example, when I turned 33, I was one from 34, which was one from 35! which meant I was 5 from 40! GASP! We carried on like this no matter the birthday. Today my father would have been one from 60, 5 from 65, 10 from 70! GASP. I would have teased him, asked me if he could wait to get the free buss pass, or seniors discounts. He would have emailed me in advance his tagged gift list from lee valley consisting of all sorts of woodworking tools to add and aid in the building and fine craftsmanship of unfinished boxes, cabinets, tables, dog dish holders, or whatever the project was at the time. But it meant he could be in his workshop with a new tool and that would make him happier then a kid in a candy store. I would have called him from here, I would have sent him a video.
Ironically or more symbolically todays birthday makes my father a leo, the sign of the lion and I am here chasing lions in the african wilderness. 
I looked up leo and the night sky to see when I could see this constellation and I found something interesting. Every year in and around Nov 18th (the day my father died) give or take a day or two there is what is called a Leonid meteor shower. 
The Leonids are a prolific meteor associated with the comet Tempel-Tuttle. The Leonids get their name from the location of their radiant in the constellation Leo: the meteors appear to stream from that point in the sky. Again, symbolically in 2009 the leonids shower is to be at it’s peak on the year anniversary of his death. And in 2008 it peaked on Nov 16th through to Nov 18th. I don't think this is a coincidence. In fact I think it's powerfully significant and reminds me how important it is to pay attention to the things that go on around us, when the wind blows unusually strong in an otherwise still moment, or when a street light flickers just as we walk under it. Or that moment when a butterfly lands in our hands, or that dream that seemed so insignificant so we forgot it. Pay attention to the movement, the world around me, the little things that get missed or looked over, more often than not if we think about major life changing events in our life, and look past them to what was going on around us while we were so consumed in the moment, I promise you will find something that is no coincidence somewhere the universe sending us a message and asking us to tune in.
Pain can grab us and hold on so tightly that it feels like it is crushing us completely. Letting go of the pain is a scary thought. I am afraid that if I let go of the pain and agony of my dad's death, that it would seem that I didn't love him so much. I realize that letting go of the pain will allow me to remember him in so many ways, and when I am ready I will. Right now I am accepting that this loss has become part of my human condition that I will carry with me forever, it changed me and I am still trying to accept that and this extra weight in my heart.
Holidays, special days, and events like today, that occur where he would have had a special role, are all more difficult than the day to day. Today exceptionally sucks and the days leading up to it have been building with this exceptional sadness. Today we should be thinking about that 60th and the celebration of that. Today I am angry, today none of it is fair. Today should have been so many things, what it shouldn't be is this hard, this sad, this painful. It is hard to not stop and think that Dad would have loved to do certain things or have been at certain events, or loved this website or that song and that story, or have this new tool, but I go on and do all that he would have wanted to for me, for him. Today I will pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate my dad, I will watch a bond movie and listen to Paul Simon and I will remember him, remember us.
Happy "one from" Dad.
Baapinakamigad dibishkaawin (Happy birthday in Ojibwe)
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