Stillness

Eight different elementary schools by grade four. Can’t remember how many houses, but many. Moving is in my genes. In my adult life the longest I’ve spent in one place is two, maybe three years. And while I may have been living in one place, I was always moving. Working hard, exercising, socializing, changing jobs, cleaning, shopping, re-arranging and organizing. Doing it all myself and never asking for help. My mind races. I suffer from chronic impatience, a hot head and addiction to change. Almost as if I’ve been scared of being still. I’ve never ever been still. I spent some time at an ashram, obviously meditation was a part of this process. And I really enjoyed it. Though I found it difficult to settle my mind, when I did it was so wonderfully tranquil and I was able to redirect my mind to the present, albeit brief. But this is a skill that only time can perfect and I was only there for ten days. After that I was on the move again. I’ve always been able to “relax” per se but even then my brain was pushing forward to fill time. Planning what was next. Never in the moment. I had no idea what being still meant, aside from stopping. I live in a constantly combative state.

Though I’ve been aware of this, not nearly as aware as I am in this moment. Now that I am still. It hit me tonight in a conversation I was having with Graham, just how I’ve never actually been still. I’ve come painfully face to face with my craving for constant motion, negativity towards myself, fierce independence, my vulnerability hidden behind many many many layers of protective gear. I’ve never been still. Graham and I are not actually working in Moremi at the moment. We are here “watching” camp as the rest are gone until the end of the month. We’ve been off, relaxing, reading. Still. A forced stillness. I can’t really go for a run, or out to the bar for drinks with friends. It’s quiet here, and it’s still. I’ve been incredibly emotional. The stillness setting off the trigger of a chain reaction of emotional healing and self discovery of personal courage and strength. I thought this emotional outburst was because it’s the first time I’ve stopped since Dad died. While yes this is true, only in part. Since I’ve been here I’ve been actively looking inward and mulling through issues. It’s been a journey of many things, one of self discovery, self-disclosure and (trying) to put to rest old habits. Looking them in the eye. The issues that have kept me from stillness. And I’ve realized the only real chance I or anyone has at facing adversity is to be still. In the moment and listening to my thoughts. I am trying not to allow my past to lull me into the depths of self-doubt. It is one step, one issues, one day at a time to get to a non-combative state and I savor the stillness I have now as a treasure. (At least I am trying to) Afterall, one must have chaos in oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star.

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.  
The Buddha

In this world activity and movement are default modes. We are always on, always connected. No time for stillness. Sitting in front of a hyperactive television does not count. We’ve lost time for contemplation, for observing, for listening, we’ve lost peace.

Something for us all to think about from the Tao Te Ching:

It is not wise to dash about. 
Shortening the breath causes much stress.
 Use too much energy, and
 you will soon be exhausted.
That is not the natural way.
 whatever works against this way will not last long.

This is a time lapse shot Graham and I did of the sunset behind camp. A cool function I've just learnt is on my camera. In honor of stillness, we've taken a serious of still photos, shot at extended intervals pieced together to make a sequence. Like speeding up time.

Press play and watch the sunset with me and be still in the moment.