One life

Until last week when I got the heart wrenching news of my girlfriends fathers extremely tragic and sudden death, wringing tears out of my eyes that have not even close to dried up, did I realize a few other things. I barley remember the day I got that phone call or the hours, days, weeks and months after. It’s a blur, coupled with moving to the middle of the African bush I just trudged forward. And now with this sad news the realization on the suddenness of death, of her loss, of my loss. It was sudden, it was unexpected, it was unplanned. While I don’t know what it’s like to endure a long illness in a loved one I can’t imagine it, no matter what you can’t prepare for such a thing, you can’t prepare for death. What I know is the suddenness. I read in one of the newspapers that my friends fathers one regret was not spending enough time with his children and in recent years made the effort to do so. Donna, and others told me that my father regretted not spending more time with us when we were kids, and it was evident he was trying to do so in the recent years. In fact my father told me this recently while we laughed at some old photos we had been given. I looked at him and shrugged and said what’s done is done what matters is we are here together, right now.

It’s that regret that gets to me here. Why? Why when something sudden happens do we turn to our loved ones and tell them so, hug them. Appreciate them until life kick starts again and we get caught up in the day to day. Days pass, months pass, years pass and we didn’t make that phone call we meant to make, to that person we think of often. Only to say later “I regret not”. Life is short people! while yes death is a fact of life, that life can change in an instant. In a snap. I challenge myself not to have regrets. Even if the person on the receiving end isn’t as affectionate as I am, I will hug them anyway. I will tell them I love them, I will let them know I appreciate them and I will now challenge myself not to have expectations in a response, it’s my avoidance of regrets, theirs is their own to try not to have.

The news of my friends own loss’ pulled on my heart strings more now then ever before. Before I knew profound loss I had friends who lost loved ones. And you sympathize, and you can’t imagine, and you are sad for them and there for them as best you can. But you really can not imagine until you actually experience it. And I can say that with such confidence only now. When you look at someone in condolence and say, “I just can’t imagine what you are going through” you don’t know how true that is until you go through it. And not until you are in it do you really appreciate those that came to you who had been through it, saying they did understand, when even 15 years after their own loss yours triggered tears in a reminder to them. Now in hind site, I wish I took the offers. Judy Alexander shared the experience of the loss of her father with deep knowledge, she knew when she looked at me what would come. She knew that now, 7 months later I might be here seemingly spiraling into a different phase of sadness until I reach the next stage of my grieving process. But I was still in shock then. I didn’t know how much I would need to hear from someone who knew how it felt until now.

I ramble, my point is life is short. The only things you will regret in life are the things you never did. It’s cheese I know but take the time to smell the roses, don’t sweat the small stuff. Concentrate on what you have, not what you don’t have and be grateful. I want to remind everyone to enjoy, love and embrace every one of your family members. We never know when it will be the last time we have the chance to say "I Love You." You can't regret anything, because at the time it was exactly what you wanted.

This isn't a practice run, not a dress rehearsal, there is only one life

No set back is ever too daunting, and while I (and my friends) may have lost an important person, our fathers, we still have many who love us just as much. And I must count the most important people who make my life worth living and despite the distance between us at the moment know I love you, as I know you love me. (you know who you are). There are friends who have taught me that distance is not a hindrance to any friendship, again you know who you are and I thank you.